A guest blog by my dear friend, Lisa.
You know those rare moments in your life when you experience something so unexpected that you end up with a look on your face like a slapped bottom?
I recently had one of those moments … my roommates discovered me in the hallway with that look. When they inquired as to why this particular look was displayed in all its glory across my delicate features, I sat them down over a cup of tea and shared my story.
Once upon a time…. In a land far far away called Melbourne…. There lived a beautiful princess named Lisa. She was a spirited soul who enjoyed dating men with an old fashioned flair about them. However she was also a forward thinking young lass and although she enjoyed it when a man looked after her, she was perfectly content contributing financially on a date.
One day, Princess Lisa went on a date with her new man friend (aka new piece of booty). This date consisted of burgers and a movie. The fair princess had oh so graciously booked and paid for the movie tickets ahead of time so the man friend would not feel pressured to pay for everything, (pat on the back for you sweet princess!). …. However… the man friend was running late! (da da dahhh) and time was running out to eat dinner before the movie. Princess Lisa did the unthinkable… she pulled out her wallet (yet again!) and ordered the food (AND A BEER FOR THE MAN FRIEND BECAUSE HE SOUNDED STRESSED). Timing it perfectly, the food and beer arrived just as the man friend entered the restaurant. They ate… they laughed… she shared some witty stories that entertained the “bajesus’ out of him …and they finished just before the movie started…. You could almost say that quite frankly … Princess Lisa saved the goddamed day.
But wait… I know what you’re thinking… how does one save the day and yet still end up with a face like a slapped bottom? There is more to this story little ones… fast forward to the end of the evening. Man friend has driven the fair maiden home …. All signs point to him coming up and spending the evening performing sexy time acts of gratitude upon the beautiful, charitable savior (aka moi) … He parks the car… turns off the ignition… leans in towards the princess and seductively whispers…. “Right luv…I’m tired, have a good sleep” …And with that he pops open the door, promptly removes the princess from his vehicle and drives off.
Ladies and gentlemen…. What the actual fuck was that?! What man in his RIGHT BLOODY MIND not only allows a woman to pay for the entire evening but does not bestow upon her a good bought of sexual favours in return?! What “GENTLEMAN”(slight hint of sarcasm there) says NO to a RIDICULOUSLY ATTRACTIVE woman who has just wined and bloody dined the pants off them?!
Does she not deserve at least a back rub ? Or any rub! Perhaps a cuddle ? NOTHING?? NOTHINGGGG!!!
So now you understand the slapped bottom look. It’s safe to say that my roommates found it hilarious however I did start to realise something. For the first time in the history of women vs men I FINALLY understood what it must feel like for a man on a normal basis.
They take out a women on the town, wine and dine her… and in the end .. even though all signs point to FREE WILLY… she gives him a chaste kiss on the cheek and promptly disappears into her apartment ….. leaving the poor guy with the now very familiar “slapped bottom” look on their face.
So when my dear friend Rachael hears my story and through a shower of giggles asks me the question “What have I learnt from this experience?” …I take a long pause…. Sleep on it…. And when I wake up the next morning I can honestly say that I did learn something fairly significant….
Women … are assholes
Thank you Lisa!!
